Where Can We Exhale?

A Pride month reflection on being a queer massage therapist in Wilmington, Delaware, with PTSD.

Growing Up Queer in Delaware

I grew up in the queer community, here in Delaware and Philly. The community felt safer to me than the other communities I was part of. I started going to concerts and clubs in high school. Junior year, I met my first girlfriend at a Dar Williams concert at the Grand. Brought her to prom with no hesitation and only a small amount of dirty looks and pointing. I had books about butch/femme politics, Bi Visibility, and one book that I still cherish, Boys Like Her by Taste This. I celebrated my 21st birthday in a lesbian bar with friends and was working there before the month was out. I was living in it and a part of it.

When Massage Retraumatizes Instead of Heals

I received my first massage in New Hampshire when I was 20 years old. I had already had a very physically demanding job for 5 years. When I left the office, I literally did a cartwheel, I felt so much better. I did not have a massage again until I had been in multiple car accidents and was written a script from a chiropractor to see one.

I tried a few different massage therapists at one location. I really enjoyed two of them. A different two were retraumatizing. My body did not relax at all and actually got more tense by the end. Yes, the trigger point work was effective, but the pain during and after the session was not worth the amount of improvement. It felt as though after a few days of pain followed by a few days of relief then pain again was a cycle I was trying to end, not repeat. I had wrongly assumed that massage therapists could feel a body tense up and brace. Some can, and some cannot. Even the ones that can may not always feel it each time, with each client.

The Weight of a Blanket, How Draping Can Trigger PTSD

Then there was the weight of a blanket. Draping is an important part of massage. It is taught that with relaxation and therapeutic massages, particularly in the US, you keep the body covered with at least a sheet and usually a blanket too, except for the part being actively worked on. When you move from one area to another you cover the one you just completed and uncover the next.

Well, imagine lying on your back, eyes closed, you feel your right arm being covered. Then you feel your right leg exposed and weight quickly being applied to the intimate part of your groin area. Your mind starts racing, "Was that a hand? Was it by accident or deliberate? What was that?" You later learn it was the weight of the blanket being carelessly thrown across your lower half to expose your leg. It was not a hand, it was not deliberate. But your body is clenched into a ball of stress and your mind cannot concentrate. You just want to go home.

You get yourself home and can see the pattern emerge that you are actively moving into a flare-up of your autoimmune condition. It flares with excessive stress or a traumatizing event. You never know how long the flare will last.

What Massage School Did and Didn't Teach About Trauma

The massage school I attended had a heavy emphasis on anatomy and physiology, but the instructors did mention trauma. They instructed us to be mindful of how you hold wrists and ankles, how not to grip but hold, and how not to move parts too aggressively. Draping, though, was focused on privacy and modesty, which is all very important and helpful. What I had experienced was the careless toss of a heavy blanket. And I know there was no intention to cause harm, and the person likely was not aware at all that that minor thing could trigger PTSD. Plus, as we learn and spend more time with clients, we improve our skills as massage therapists. I do not hold any ill will to any massage therapist that has worked on me.

Why Continuous Consent Matters in Every Session

In massage school, I was also taught the importance of emphasizing continuous consent throughout the massage session. It starts with the intake. You go over the forms, ensure the client understands what will happen, what your role is, what their role is, and boundaries. During the massage, the massage therapist checks in to some degree. Part of the massage therapist's role is to make sure the client is comfortable enough to speak up when something hurts, there is too much pressure or not enough, or something needs to change. The client's role is to provide accurate information and history in the intake forms, stay in communication with the therapist, and speak up if needed.

Some clients are great at that, others may struggle to speak up. So, throughout the session there can be quick check-ins, at least for the first few sessions. When I had sought out massage care before massage school, I did not know that. If any massage therapist told me to let them know if anything needs to change, I likely blocked it out, because I never would have spoken up at that time anyway.

Being Queer and Looking for Safe Bodywork

Now add being queer on top of the PTSD. Massage already has a dark, shadowy side to it that most people can easily avoid unless they are seeking that out. Generally, I have found the massage community to be very welcoming and mostly filled with allies here in the Wilmington, and Newark, Delaware area. In other parts of the US that may not be the case. Although I think it is more likely than not that most massage therapists are allies, or at least tolerant. So much so, I don't think many of them even think to include any mention of it on their websites or marketing materials.

And I will be honest, it has taken me a few years to figure out how to mention this in a way that feels right for me as a queer massage therapist. And being a queer client, I definitely can feel the difference in a practitioner's energy that is just tolerant and not an affirming ally. I would rather drive further and spend more money to go to an affirming practitioner. I mean, especially for massage, nervous system regulation and energy healing, I want to see someone that is queer or at least an ally. How else can I expect to feel safe enough to even begin to relax?

Why I Don't List My Address or Phone Number

So, for my own safety and the safety of my clients, I no longer provide online booking publicly. I no longer list my phone number, or the full address of my office. I also do not have a sign for my office visible from the outside. These are all precautions I have taken to better protect myself as a massage therapist that is a woman and queer. These are also precautions I take to add more safety for my clients. It really sucks that it is this way, but here we are.

Queer, Trans, and Nonbinary Affirming Care Exists in Delaware

So, I thought it was important to blog about this during Pride month. There are queer, trans, and nonbinary affirming massage spaces. There are queer, trans, and nonbinary affirming reiki spaces. There are 2SLGBTQIA+ affirming end-of-life doulas. It may not be super easy to find them, but we exist.

I do quick searches all the time, and my website does not appear. I am trying to crack the SEO, but my skills in that department are limited. I also want to add that just because I am queer, or another practitioner is queer, that does not mean we are automatically the right practitioner for others in our community. But I want to see us all grow and do well. So, I will refer clients out to other practitioners as needed. There are more of us than there appears to be. You deserve to show up in a practitioner's office as your whole self and have all parts of you feel as safe as possible.

If any part of this made you curious to learn more about me and my offerings please reach out. I truly would love to connect even if you do not book any of my services.